Ohhhh sunday. You inspire the crazy in my mother.

So my mom has been a screw loose for years now. I'm not sure if this is a problem the rest of the world has, but as the moms get older they do(in my case at least) seem to get really fucking batty. So rather than seethe about the times she annoys me beyond reason I've decided to write my battle stories here. Because really, when you can't fight the crazy, you paste the crazy on the internet. So we'll start with today! I come downstairs feeling crappy about living at home, taking my dog out when I hear "she was 14 when she had her first miscarriage but she tried over and over again until at 17 she had her first baby, but was it worth it?" Now admittedly I was cranky and tired, but really? I didn't want to think about the 14 yearold getting knocked up again and again. It wasn't on my to do list for the morning. So I look at her with an expression that perfectly combined my feelings of "ew" and "wtf?!" beautifully and asked, "Mom, what are you watching? Like.... what the hell?" "Well, I don't know... I just... I got turned around and I just ended up here." Likely fucking story ms. mom. I get turned around and distracted on the internet every day and I can promise you I have yet to end up near that video. "But... you're still... watching it." I said this sentence with a slow melody that is quite in tune with excruciating mental pain. "Please, I don't watch things that you watch, I mean god." This is where I started realizing I was about to be shanked by mother. "What exactly are you referring to here? I mean, what do I watch that you wouldn't watch?" I happen to know that I watch like 80 billion things my mother would never watch, but I also happen to know that she's unaware of these 80 billion things. So there's no way she's going to be able to respond to me, right? "I don't know, that's not the point!" Right. "So, you're just aimlessly attacking me for criticizing your video preference?" "Just stop, you don't get to come down here and make comments about what I watch. And I'm not going to apologize for what I watch. So just stop with your insanity." "What are you talking about? I criticized your video and you made random comments attacking me as a way of being defensive. I don't need an apology for what you watch, I just need you to not attack me when you're embarrassed." "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? I'm your MOTHER and I can speak to you any way I see fit!" I promptly leave the room, because when the "I'm your MOTHER" card is pulled I no longer have a hope in hell of being treated like a human being. So I go upstairs, watch some videos that my mother wouldn't be caught dead watching and try to calm down so I don't lash out at her when I next see her. But that dream was to be shortlived as I hear her stomp and grumble her way up the stairs. I hold my breath, knowing that each step could potentially land her at my bedroom door with the force of a thousand angry hornets. The buzzing takes a right instead of a left and I breathe out. THANK GOD. She hasn't decided to follow me and continue a fight she insists that I stop. I pop into the bathroom and as I'm sitting there I hear the soft buzzing of approaching hornets getting louder and louder until... SHIT. They are outside my bedroom door hammering with the fury of fire safety. "I'm in the bathroom mom..." "I NEVER TALK TO MY PARENTS THIS WAY! IT IS NOT OKAY TO EVER SPEAK TO A MOTHER THAT WAY. I DON'T CARE IF I'M WATCHING PORN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM! YOU DO NOT GET TO TALK ABOUT IT OR THINK ABOUT IT OR CRITICIZE IT BECAUSE I'M YOUR MOTHER AND PARENTS GET TO DO AS THEY PLEASE WITHOUT SNARKY FUCKING CHILDREN COMMENTING ABOUT IT." "What the fuck? Seriously? Okay, whatever." (I know there are plenty of parents that will be like "yeah! we do have an infinite amount of respect that we deserve from our children forever and ever! But ya'll crazy. If you do not respect your children they won't respect you.) "WE HELP PAY YOUR BILLS SO WE ARE INFALLIBLE! DO YOU HEAR ME!?!" "Yup." "GOOD! GOOOD! I DO NOT EXPECT TO HEAR ANY OF THIS SHIT FROM YOU AGAIN!!" "uh huh." *STOMP STOMP STOMP BUZZZZZZ* And this was a more pleasant talk between me and my mother. Stay tuned, I'm sure I'll be back here in no time.